Healing Old Wounds
by becky2102
Summary: Does time really heal all wounds?  Maybe it just waits for us to reopen them.  Olivia has been gone for four years.  Elliot left them all before that.  What happens when she returns?
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything, make money, etc...

I'm not really sure what I think of this one. Let me know if you think it's worth continuing...

1-6 Precinct

It was a warm, sunny afternoon when Detective Odafin Tutola huffed as he dropped a file box filled with unopened mail onto his desk. He flopped into his desk chair saying "I can't believe how long it's taken for the NYPD to deliver their mail! Some of this stuff has got to be 6 months old." He grabbed a handful and started sorting. He kept grumbling under his breath as his partner and the other detectives chuckled at him. He stopped as he pulled out a photo and stared at it. He contemplated the photo of the little boy, maybe 2 years old and a little baby girl, a few months old, both with big brown eyes. They mugged for the camera, which managed to get both of them almost smiling and almost looking at the camera. He was still starting at it when Captain Cragen ambled past his desk, heading towards his office. He stopped as he saw the photo.

"Cute kids," he said.

Fin looked up at him in surprise. "Yeah, they are. You know, this is a Christmas photo. It's almost June, I bet they don't even look like that anymore," he scoffed.

"They look like their mother," the Captain said quietly.

"Yeah they do," Fin replied.

"Speaking of their mother, have you spoken with her recently?" the Captain asked.

Fin squinted his eyes, wondering what his Captain meant. "No. Have you?"

"No," the Captain replied, "but I have 4 missed calls from her and 2 voicemails that I haven't have a chance to listen to yet. And I just had the most interesting conversation with the Chief of Ds over lunch."

Fin's eyebrows jumped up into his hairline. "What about?"

"I'll tell you after I listen to those messages." The Captain turned and went into his office, phone already to his ear, and closed the door.

Fin took the photo and set it up against the picture frame sitting on his desk and went back to sorting his mail.

In his office, Cragen listened to the messages twice and then made a phone call to the Chief of Ds and another phone call to a woman he hadn't talked to directly in 4 years.

Forty-five minutes later, he opened his office door and hollered "Fin. Munch. My office now please!" The two detectives stood, sharing a glance. Fin shrugged at his partner, silently hoping he would learn more about what they were talking about earlier.

Cragen closed the door behind him. "So, I talked with the Chief of Ds this morning. He shared with me a very interesting piece of information. He told me that a Detective Benson, 2nd grade, had applied for reinstatement into the NYPD, which was granted yesterday and that she had requested placement in this unit."

He paused for a minute to let that sink in. Munch spoke first.

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him Detective Benson was one half of the biggest pain in the ass partnership I have ever dealt with in my career, and that she was good enough that I would take her back in a heartbeat if this was where she wanted to be."

"Is it?" Fin finally spoke up. "Is this where she wants to be?"

"She says yes," the Captain replied. "I spoke with her this morning. She's back in the city, says she's going to stop by tomorrow."

"Well, I'd never thought I'd see the day," Munch said to his partner as they headed back to their desks. Amaro and Rollins looked up at them curiously.

"Me neither," Fin replied. 'What's next, Stabler coming through those doors too?"

"Ha, not even when the government admits the existence of Area 51. That'll never happen. Good to hear about Liv though," the older man grinned.

Amaro jumped in, "What was with the secret conference guys, shutting the rookies out of the good information again?"

"Hardly," Fin replied. "Just an update about an old colleague of ours." He picked up the photo he was looking at earlier and passed it to Munch, who grinned and shoot his head.

The next day...Downtown near 1PP.

Olivia stood with her husband of 3 and a half years, who held a small boy by the hand and was standing in front of a stroller. She was dressed in a business attire, while the man was in jeans and a light colored henley. She gave him directions to the park down the street and glanced at her watch.

"I gotta run. Wish me luck, kiddo." She bent down and rubbed noses with the small boy, his brown eyes mirroring his mothers. Stood stood and rubbed the baby on the head. The man put his hand on her shoulder, and then held her side of her face.

"Knock 'em dead in there, Liv. We'll meet you at the park." They stood and waved until she entered the building and then headed toward the park.

At the park, the little boy ran around giddily, clearly enjoying the new scene. There were a few other parents, or nannies with children. A blond woman in her mid 40s was watching a little boy, about 5 years old, going up and down the slide repeatedly. She nodded at the dark hair man with the baby as he chuckled as his son enjoyed the playground. "You'd think he has never seen a playground before in his life," he said to the woman, making small talk. She smiled.

"Whatever keeps them occupied at that age, huh? He looks like you," she said back.

He smiled at that. "I think he looks like my wife. He certainly has her 'take no prisoners' personality. I blame her for his stubbornness." The small boy was currently rocking on the little horse on a spring with a wild abandon, seeing how far and fast he could make it rock. "See, I would never be so aggressive with such a toy. Nice and quiet, playing by the rules. That behavior there is 100% his mother."

They continued to make small talk, watching the children play. The blond women went to push her son on the swings and shortly after that Olivia walked up upon them from the side, waving at her son as he raced across the playground to greet her.

"Hi Baby!" She scooped him up in her arms as she walked over to her husband. Happy his mother was back and much more interested in the playground, the toddler set off the find something else to play with."

"Seriously, it's been (she glanced at her watch) 68 minutes. How did he get THAT dirty?" she asked the shaggy haired man with the scruffy beard with a smile. She bent to tickle the baby.

"I dunno. He just likes it that way I think," the man replied, grinning at his wife. He still couldn't believe how pretty she was. She caught his eye and smiled back, then turned and glanced the playground out of the corner of her eye. "Maybe you want to go catch your son?" the man pulled his eyes away from his wife and saw the boy climbing dangerously high on the play structure, to high for his liking. He jogged over yelling "Aidan, stop right now!" The little boy froze and waited for his rescue.

Suddenly, the blond woman who had been standing next to her husband was approaching her. Olivia's eyes were still trained on her son and was startled when the woman asked "Olivia?"

Olivia started as she looked up and saw who was speaking. "Kathy! Oh my gosh. What are you...? I mean, it's been so long! How are you?"

"I'm good, Olivia. We're all good," she gestured toward the little boy on the swing.

"Is that Eli? He's so big!" the brunette exclaimed. He must be what, five years old by now?"

Kathy nodded. "Olivia, what are you doing here? I thought you left."

"I did," she said quietly. "I've been in San Francisco for 4 years now. We're moving back to New York; it's closer to Danny's family and he got a great job opportunity. They're letting me transfer back in." She gestured towards the NYPD administrative building down the block.

Kathy nodded. "Which unit?"

"I don't know yet. Still in the middle of the process."

The blond nodded again. "Elliot went back, Olivia, about 8 months after the shooting. He went to Homicide."

Olivia looked a little surprised. She hadn't known that. Her communication with her former colleagues had been pretty limited, and they always tiptoed around the subject of her old partner. Now it was her turn to nod.

"Good, I'm glad. Everyone else is doing okay? The girls? Dickie?" Olivia asked.

Kathy replied, "Yeah, they're all doing really well." She paused. "Look, Olivia, I don't know what happened exactly with you two. Elliot just came home one day a few days after he'd gone back to work and said you'd left, with no word, no message. He was almost beside himself."

Now Olivia was more than surprised. She didn't know how Elliot had found out she had left, she hadn't considered it. She thought about those dark days after the shooting, how much she needed a friend, a friend who was missing and insisting on grieving without her. She didn't say anything in reply, silently watching her husband and son playing on the swings next to the little boy she had helped to deliver.

"Olivia, I'm meeting him for lunch right after this. What should I tell him?" The blond looked at her and Olivia knew she wasn't asking for advice, she was asking what Olivia wanted Elliot to know, which she could then choose or choose not to tell her husband.

Olivia glanced at the shorter woman. "You can tell him whatever you like. Where I've been hasn't been a secret. It wasn't a secret when I moved and it hasn't been for 4 years. I don't know what Elliot told you."

"But you just LEFT!" she said with emphasis, "with no explanation. You left him."

With that, Olivia's calm snapped. She turned to face her. "I left? Kathy, after the shooting I called him every day for two weeks. He never once answered my calls. I even called the house phone and left messages on your machine and he never called me back. I called him every week after that for months. I got NOTHING back. He wasn't the only one who was hurting, Kathy. And he shut himself off. I called him when I decided to move, I called him when I landed in San Francisco, when I started my new job. I called him when I met the man I was going to marry. And I called him the day after my son was born. I left a message that time, it was a little over 2 years ago, Aidan was crying in the background, I knew he could hear that on the message. He NEVER called me back. I never changed my cell phone number. Don't tell me I was the one that left, Kathy. He left long before I did. He'll find out I'm here soon or later, tell him whatever you want. Give the kids my love." And she walked across the playground pushing the stroller, waving at her husband.

"Getting hungry?" she called as she reached him. "I'm ready to go."

"Sure," Danny replied as he scooped his son off the slide. "There's a deli across the street. We can pick up some sandwiches. Does this have anything with the words you just exchanged with my new friend over there?" he gestured with his head towards the blond woman.

Olivia looked out of the corner of her eye, but didn't turn her head. "Of all the playgrounds in Manhattan..." she muttered. Danny looked at her suspiciously.

"Olivia...?" he questioned.

She sighed as they exited the playground. "That's Kathy Stabler."

"THAT'S Kathy Stabler!" He replied in shock. "What're the chances..."

"That's what I was saying..."

"So what did you guys talk about?"

Olivia sighed again. "She asked me why I left and I...I told her that Elliot left long before I moved to San Francisco. I wasn't very nice. It wasn't her fault," Olivia said, a little chagrined. They headed into the deli for sandwiches and then headed back to the hotel.

A few blocks away, Elliot Stabler sat reading a newspaper as his wife and youngest son walked up to his table. He greeted them warmly as the settled into their seats in the sun drenched patio of the pizza joint. Noticing his wife's distracted look, he got Eli settled and then looked at her. "Kathy," he spoke. "What's wrong."

"Elliot, you wouldn't believe me if I told you," she said to him.

"Try me," he said with a grin as the waitress brought over a small pie.

Kathy inclined her head and grimaced a 'don't say I didn't warn you look.' "In the park," she began, "we ran into Olivia." She paused, waiting to see her husband's response. It'd taken him months to get over having to shoot that little girl in his old station house. He didn't even considering going back to work at all until months afterwards. She knew he'd cut off all ties with his old department, and she thought that didn't help him in any way, if anything it made it more difficult. They were the only people who could really understand what he'd gone though. After he'd started back at Homicide he'd mentioned the old crew a few times, but never his old partner. Not once, until a while later when he came home in a funk. He'd told her that Olivia had left, that no one knew where she had gone. He hadn't mentioned her since. She didn't know who to believe now. She doubted Olivia would make something like that up and knowing her husband's mental state those first few months, she knew it was probably true. The last few years though, what was the excuse for that?

Elliot had stopped with his slice halfway to his mouth. The perfectly folded slice fell into itself with the lack of momentum towards his mouth. "You ran into who?" he asked in disbelief.

"Olivia. Olivia Benson. Surely you remember her." Kathy replied.

"Wow. Back in the city. I didn't know." he replied. "How was she?"

"I know you didn't know. She didn't know you were back working either. She looked good El, she's got two kids, and a hunky husband."

Now Elliot really looked shocked. "Kids? Husband?" He cleared his throat. "Good for her." He tried to turn his attention back to the pizza. He failed miserably. Every time he brought the pizza up to take a bite, something stopped him and he put down the slice. Finally he asked, "What else did she say?"

"Not too much. She asked after the kids. She's been in San Francisco but she said she's going back to the NYPD," Kathy replied.

Elliot didn't say anything, but did manage a bite of pizza. He took his time chewing it, thinking.

Kathy spoke again, "Elliot...how come you never talked with her after the shooting?" She cared about Olivia, in the manner that you care about someone that your loved ones also love. She also knew that her husband would never really be over the shooting, but that talking about it was the key to keeping him sane.

"She left Kathy, she up and moved without saying anything. What was I supposed to do?" he said, somewhat defensively.

"Elliot." Kathy replied. "Elliot. She said she called you. She never changed her number. You never spoke to her after the shooting. Maybe she left because you left her."

"I had to Kathy. I had to get away, you know that. I couldn't talk with them, it was too hard. I had you guys, you were enough."

"Yes, Elliot. You had us, but who did Olivia have?"

He stilled, and then placed his pizza down, his appetite suddenly gone. He turned to his son and made some small talk about the park, effectively changing the subject. Kathy sighed and looked down. They would never really be over the shooting.

They finished their lunch with very little other conversation. Walking back to the precinct downtown, Elliot mulled over the bombshell his wife had dropped on him. 'Who did Olivia have? Who did Olivia have? Who did Olivia have?' His thoughts were running through his head uncontrolled. He thought back on the dark months immediately after the shooting. He could barely function. It was all he could do to drag himself out of bed for months. He had put his papers in to the Captain a few weeks after. He'd done that without talking to him, just had the papers messengered over. He hadn't spoken with anyone at the 1-6 for months. He finally ran into Fin of all people, the week after he'd started back at Homicide. The meeting had been tense, they'd never been the best of friends, but they'd worked well together when the needed to. The detective had given Elliot a look of surprise and concern, which he had quickly covered up before offering him a handshake. That look. He couldn't stand that look, it was part of why he'd avoided everyone. He couldn't stand their pity, not when he didn't deserve it, wasn't worthy of it. It was easier to just avoid them. And Olivia. He couldn't talk with her. His guilt was still overwhelming when he thought of Olivia.

He could think about that day now without reliving it. That was what the shrink had told him would happen eventually, and when that happened he would begin to heal. 'Begin to heal,' he scoffed in his mind. 'He would never be healed. Not so long as that girl was dead.'

He saw her standing in the entrance to the bullpen, gun shaking in her hand. He saw Sister Peg on the floor and Olivia covered in her blood. She had the gun trained on him, then her eyes darted towards Olivia. Her hand moved slightly in that direction, she wouldn't put down the gun despite all of their pleas. He could see in slow motion her hand move towards Sister Peg and Olivia. He closed his eyes involuntarily as he heard the shots in his head again. He had shot and killed that teenager in order to save someone he cared about more. And then in the subsequent guilt he had abandoned her.

He shook his head to try and clear his mind of thoughts and memories. He had to move on. That was past. He thought back to when he'd first run into his old colleagues that day.

_There'd been a murder, so they'd been called out to a walk-up in the East Village. He and his partner, a detective so seasoned he made Elliot seem like a rookie, had gone upstairs to check out the scene. On their way up, they'd met the responding uniforms heading down. "Good luck with this one guys, there's some sick stuff waiting for you." They'd started in the basement, where the blood trail started. On their way up the stairs, one of the other detectives nodded at him and said "One of your old buddies from the Panty Police is upstairs. Unis thought they'd be interested in this sicko." Elliot's pulse at shot up at that statement. He'd tried to play it cool. "Oh yeah, who is it? Male or Female?" he shot back as they made their way upstairs. "Male, black guy," the officer had replied. Elliot just nodded back at him. 'Fin,' he thought. 'He could deal with Fin.' _

_His partner's keen eyes didn't miss Elliot's reaction. He had heard, hell, everyone had heard, about what had gone down in the 1-6. He knew this guy had gone through hell. They never talked details, though he'd heard rumors about his partner over there, they had some kind of complicated relationship. "Who was your partner over there at the 1-6?" Malone asked him._

_Elliot replied, trying to give off an air of nonchalance, "Um, Detective Benson." _

_"Mhmm," Malone replied. "Bad-Ass Benson. Her reputation's well known. Good cop. They really must be hurting for detectives over there after both of you peaced out on them." _

_"What do you mean by that?" Elliot replied. His heart thumped as he ran though all the situations in his head where Benson would leave the 1-6 undermanned. _

_"You didn't know? And all the rumors said you two were crazy close...She's gone,man, put in her papers, transferred out somewhere I guess since she didn't have her 20 yet. They posted the opening last week, that's how I heard about it." _

_"She left?" he replied, stunned. "Where'd she go?" He was dumbfounded._

_"Dunno, figured you would know if anyone knew. Meant to ask you about that last week when I saw the posting." _

_He fingered his cell phone, remembering the missed call he'd gotten from her cell phone earlier that week. He never answered her calls. He couldn't bear to hear her voice. They'd become less and less frequent over the past few months, which both relieved him and sent him into a panic. _

_He'd seen Fin upstairs. The silent nod of recognition, the flash of pity he'd seen on his face that Fin had been unable to cover up. They had shaken hands. Made small talk. Neither of them mentioned Olivia. She and Fin had been close at times, she probably would have told him of his neglect of her. Little did he know Olivia spoke of him as little as he spoke of her. _

He fingered his cell phone in hit suit pocket as he remembered her phone calls. They'd continued to get less and less frequent. There'd been two more in the weeks after he'd found out she left, then one a month after that and then nothing for a year. The last call he'd gotten from her had been about two years ago. She'd let the call go to voicemail for the first time. In all the other calls she'd hung up the minute the recording started. He'd saved that message for months. He could remember the exact words.

_"Elliot. It's Olivia. I just wanted to..." There'd been a long pause on the recording, as if she didn't know what to say. "I just wanted to talk to you." He could hear a baby crying in the background. _

At the time he'd wondered where she had been that there had been a crying baby. Now he realized it had probably been her baby. He'd hung his head in shame. He had abandoned his friend, probably when she had needed him, because of his own weakness and inability to cope.

Back at his desk he'd tossed his coat aside. Malone looked up at him. "Nice lunch?" he asked. "How's the kid?"

"Dead" Elliot almost replied, before realizing that he had mean Eli, not Jenna. God, he needed to get his act together. He went to pour some coffee to try and clear his brain of the cobwebs and then sat down to work.

The next day at approximately 10am Olivia walked with Danny up to the doors of the 1-6, he had Aidan by the hand and the baby in a carrier on his front. Luckily it wasn't raining, they were headed to the park while they waited for her. They needed to find an apartment, a hotel room with a toddler and a baby was not going to last much longer. They were okay as long as the weather held and they could get to the park, but if they were stuck inside she'd place money on one of them not surviving the day. They strolled to a stop and finished their conversation. Just as her family was turning to walk towards the park, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Well I'll be damned. Bad-Ass Benson. It's true." She turned to see John Munch ambling up to them. She grinned at him.

"Good to see you too, Munch." She almost wanted to hug him.

"Who are these guys?" he gestured towards the others.

She grinned again and introduced them to her past and future colleague. Munch made the baby laugh and kick her legs and got a grin out of a surprisingly shy Aidan. They turned to walk towards the park as Olivia and Munch turned up the stairs.

"Who knew you were so good with kids, Munch? I'm impressed." Olivia joshed.

"Hey, I have a lot of nieces and nephews. I can relate," he replied. "You here to talk to the Captain?"

She nodded at him. "Yeah," she hesitated as they reached the doors to the second floor bullpen. "I'm still not convinced this is that right place for me."

John turned to her. "Can you think of another department you want to work? Back to Computer Crimes? Warrents? Homicide?" He wondered if she knew Elliot was working there now. He'd thrown that last one in there to see if he got a reaction. He didn't get one.

She shook her head. "I can't imagine working anywhere else, but there's a lot of history, you know." She looked at him expectantly. Somehow he felt that she was sharing more with him now than she had in the prior 10 years they had worked together. She'd always been pretty private and closed off, never sharing her feelings or emotions with anyone. Maybe with Elliot, John mused, but not with the rest of them. The West Coast had changed her, he thought.

He nodded at her. "Yeah, I know." And he held the door open for her as they entered the bullpen. It looked the same, felt the same, even smelled the same…"Welcome home."


	2. Chapter 2

Healing Old Wounds – Chapter 2

Her first day back was fairly uneventful. She met the new detectives that had originally been hired to replace her, got reacquainted with those that she had met only briefly before leaving and completed all the tedious tasks that came with a new, though familiar, workplace. By the afternoon she was desperate for a new case, something emergent to keep her mind from wandering. Sitting at a desk reviewing files, she started second-guessing her decision to come back. Finally closing her computer and stacking the files around 6pm, she headed to the Captain's office. She knocked softly and hovered in the doorway when she heard him answer.

He looked up at the familiar face, the years away from New York had softened her, or maybe it was having children. Something had made it a lot easier to read what was going on in her thoughts, she wore them on her face now, whereas before her eyes had shielded everything.

"You're wondering whether you made the right decision," he said to her, before she had a chance to say anything.

She nodded and took a step inside the office, out of the shadows.

"I just don't want to get in to deep if it's not where I should be."

He nodded. "I understand. If it's not the right place for you anymore, I don't want you here either. Give it a few days. You came back on the one quiet day of the year. You were always a doer, never were good at sitting. Wait until things get moving before you make a decision."

"Yeah, okay," she nodded her agreement.

"Now, go home to your kids."

"Gladly, Cap. See you tomorrow."

Across town, Elliot and Regan were at a crime scene. A dead body found in an over crowded apartment. Likely it was going to turn out to be accidental, but there were enough odd things in the apartment to make any one suspicious; it warranted an investigation. One of the uniformed officers with brown hair out the corner of his eye made him do a double take. He shook his head. She looked nothing like Olivia. He had to do something to get his head back in the game, he'd been distracted all week, terrified that he was going to run into her at an inopportune moment. The NYPD was like a small town inside a very large city: you ran into everyone eventually. He had to call her. He couldn't let their first meeting be in the courthouse, or Rikers, or a crime scene, in front of an audience.

Running through the evidence list that the CSU handed him, he stopped and stared out the window. For such a dump, it had a great view of downtown. He recalled the conversation he'd had with his family a few nights earlier.

_Kathy had brought it up during dinner. At one point he would have thought she did it just to needle him, but the copious therapy he'd gone to after the shooting made him realize she was doing it to keep the lines of communication open within their family. The kids had been hovering around the kitchen table, halfway helping to get dinner ready, halfway getting in the way. They tried to have a dinner with all of them at least once a week, or at least manage a majority of them. It was hard to do with Kathleen and Maureen out of the house and the twins teenagers with their own driver's licenses. He remembered thinking at least he knew where Eli was, he couldn't run off on his own yet. _

_"You'll never guess who we saw in the park today?" Kathy had said, directed at the older girls. Who? They'd asked. _

_"Olivia," she said simply. Maureen jumped on that information._

_"OLIVIA? Olivia? " she said in disbelief. "As in Your Old Partner, Olivia?" she directed at her father._

_Kathy nodded in response. _

_"No way! I thought she left? What's she doing in New York?" _

_"She did leave," Kathy said, "She moved to California, but now she's back." _

_"No way!" Kathleen added. "I can't believe it. Did you get to see her kids?" _

_"Yeah," Kathy grinned, "I saw them. Real cute kids. Big dark eyes just like hers." _

_"Hey, wait a minute," Elliot had jumped in. "How did you know she had kids? I didn't know, your mom didn't know until today. Kathleen, what are you not telling us?" His daughter had looked at him with guilty eyes. _

_"Uhh, I…., well…." She was clearly trying to stall for time. _

_Dickie and Lizzie had piped in "Oooh". Kathleen had shot them a Look and they immediately quieted down. _

_"Let your sister explain herself," he'd said. _

_His daughter straightened her shirt, turned to him and said "She told me. We write letters now and then. Have been since before she left." _

_If finding out Olivia was back in New York hadn't thrown him for a loop, finding out that she and his daughter had been having a secret correspondence sure did. _

_She went on "It wasn't a secret, Dad. It never was. After she helped me out that one time, I wrote her a thank you letter and she replied. We kept it up. When she left she told me she was going, but we had an unspoken agreement to not discuss you. The letters came to this address until last summer, you could've seen them in the mailbox if you'd looked." _

_She'd said it so plain and simply that he couldn't react badly to it, not without looking like a lunatic in front of his family. They'd chatted a little more about it, the kids wanting to know details about where she'd been, her husband and kids. He'd found out that she'd spent 4 years in the San Francisco PD's version of SVU, called the VIP squad, that she'd been married for almost three years and had a two year old son and a baby girl of about 6 months. He'd also learned that she'd sent his children birthday cards every year for the past 5 years. He hadn't even known she'd done that when they were partners. He was ashamed yet again at the selflessness of his former partner and how self-absorbed he'd truly been. _

_After dinner was eaten and cleaned, he'd walked Kathleen out to her car and given her a hug. She'd turned to him, knowing the topic wasn't finished and had said "I asked her once, why she left, why the two of you never talked anymore." _

_"What did she say?" Even then, he couldn't believe he was having this conversation with his 20 year old daughter. _

_"She told me you were working through some things and knew how to reach her when you were ready." _

_He'd simply nodded at her. Then he said "You know, Kat, sometimes when things are hard, we don't handle things the way we wanted to, the way we should have…" _

_She'd cut him off, his daughter who had become so wise. "Yeah, Dad, you always taught us that when we make a mistake, we should apologize and then fix it best we could." _

_"When did you grow to be so smart?" he'd asked, as he leaned through the open door of her car. _

_She'd grinned at him. "Fix it, Dad. You remember how." _

He knew what he needed to do, but he'd been putting it off. He'd known it for years and had been putting it off for days. As they left the crime scene, he figured he'd do it now and get it over with. Telling Regan he had to make a phone call, he'd walked halfway up the block and dialed the number still in his contacts.

Across town, Benson and Nick Amaro were slipping in the mud quite literally. Their crime scene had been along the new Westside Highway bike paths, a naked body had been found in the marshes. They'd tried to get close enough to see for themselves, but hadn't been dressed for it, unlike the CSU crew who had been warned appropriately about the site. The soggy ground sucked at their shoes, causing first Nick and then Olivia to lose their balance. Nick had grabbed onto Olivia, who had then put her hands down right into the mud to keep both of them from falling over. Just they were finally back onto the path, out of harm's way, Olivia's phone began to ring in her back pocket. Hands still covered in mud with no immediate way to clean them, she'd said "Hey, Amaro, grab my phone for me, she turned and shown him the phone sticking halfway out of her pocket. He'd stammered for a minute, "Uh, Olivia, I dun…" nervous about grabbing somewhere so close to his partner's ass, however fine it may be. He didn't want to explain to his wife how he'd ended up covered in mud and then had to grab his partner's ass.

"Oh, grow a pair, Amaro. It's your fault my hands are covered in mud. Just answer it." She barked at him as she tried to find a patch of grass to wipe her hands on. Nick grabbed the corner of the phone and pulled it out, successfully managing not to touch her. Without meaning to, he'd noticed the Caller ID on the phone and gulped.

"Uh, Benson, maybe you want to…"

"Just answer it, Amaro, it might be about the case," she'd replied, still not looking over at him standing there like a moron with her ringing phone in his hand.

"It's not…" Then she'd turned and given him a LOOK and he understood why people called her Bad-Ass Benson. He didn't see that side of her very often, but damn she meant it when she was mad. Shaking his head, he'd hit the button and said "Benson's phone."

On the other end of the line, Elliot was startled. Of all the ways he'd imagined this going, this was not one of them. "Uh, can I talk with Detective Benson please?"

"Sure, hold on a minute." Nick replied, waiting patiently while his partner got the rest of the mud off her hands and then holding the phone out to her. He stepped aside to give the resemblance of privacy, but not so far off as to be out of earshot. This was good information he was about to get. He was pretty sure there were still betting pools going around about Stabler and Benson. Cops had long memories.

"Hi Olivia. It's Elliot." Of all the voices in the world, that was the LAST one she'd expected to hear that afternoon. Nick stood watching the emotions play out on his partners face. Shock was the predominate one, but he also thought he saw anger, annoyance, fear and relief.

"Elliot? Hi." she'd said simply. Elliot could hear a hundred different things in that one word: Anger, worry, annoyance, hurt, fear, stubbornness, coldness, relief, welcome, gratitude, curiosity. Nick couldn't believe his ears. Four years and she says "hi."

Elliot jumped right in before she had the chance to yell or hang up. "Olivia, I am so sorry. It's been so long. I should never have….I really wanted to…I…" There was a pregnant pause. This was not going well. "I'm sorry," he said simply, hoping that his partner, ahem, former partner, still knew him well enough to know that he meant he was sorry for killing Jenna, for leaving, for leaving her, for not telling her, for not calling her, for abandoning her, for missing important parts of her life.

Olivia smiled a soft smile. She was angry at him, very angry, but she'd gotten over the worst of it a long time ago. "I know, El, it's okay. Me too." She _was _sorry. Sorry about the shooting, about what he had gone through, sorry that everything had happened the way it did and that they had fallen apart because of it. She could be angry later, in person, for now she would settle for relieved that they were talking.

"Would you, would you… meet me for breakfast tomorrow? We could go to the old diner on 61st St."

She nodded silently, then said "Yes, breakfast. No, wait, tomorrow's no good, Friday? Okay, good, see you then." She hung up the phone and just stared at it for a minute. For a minute she wondered what she was going to say to him, then she remembered she'd been thinking about that for the last 4 years.

She looked up finally and caught her partner, her new partner, looking at her quizzically. "Everything okay?" he asked.

She looked back down at her phone in her dirty hand. "I'm not sure yet," she replied. "I'm not sure."


	3. Chapter 3

Healing Old Wounds – Chapter 3

Olivia climbed onto the couch later that night. She'd gotten home just before 10pm, changed into some comfortable clothes and settled down next to Danny, accepting the glass of wine he handed her. She smiled at him and settled back as he told her about his day, where he had gone with the kids, the fit Aidan had thrown at the park, how the baby had started smiling when her brother said her name. He asked her how her day was. She replied in generic terms, telling him it had been fine, a little bit about the new personalities she had to work with. She didn't mention the call from Elliot. She hadn't quite sorted out her own feelings on that; she wanted to be sure what she thought before she got Danny's opinion on it.

He grabbed a notepad from the table and handed it to her. "You ready for a day of apartment hunting New York Style?"

She looked at the list of addresses. Grabbing a pen, she crossed a couple of them off this list, knowing that she wouldn't want to live on that block. Being a cop in NYC gave you neighborhood knowledge that few apartment hunters had. She didn't want to end up next to a methadone clinic or a fire station with their late night sirens.

She grinned at him and handed it back. He glanced at it. "Still plenty to look at. We'll find one. We can't stay in a 500sq ft studio forever," he said, referring to the short term place they'd found and gesturing towards the two portable cribs in the living room.

"They'll be okay for a little while longer. I HATE apartment hunting," she said with a little pout. She was not looking forward to the next day.

He poured her a little more wine. "Aww…it'll be fine. We'll get you a nice giant latte on the way to meet the broker."

"UGH…A broker…Don't remind me," she said, grimacing at the thought of the thousands of dollars they'd have to shell out to someone to find them an apartment.

She turned to lean against him, settling down comfortably. They really should just pull out the sofa bed and turn it in for the night but she was just too comfortable on the sofa and Danny. She closed her eyes for a minute then said out of the blue "Elliot called me today."

She couldn't see it since they were both facing the same direction, but she knew his eyes had flown open and his mouth hung open just a little. She chuckled softly, loving that she knew exactly what he was doing.

"Elliot? Elliot Stabler? The same Elliot Stabler that you haven't spoken to in 4 years, the same guy who left you a terrific mess and made you move halfway across the country? " She was a little surprised at his reaction. She didn't think he was jealous, but couldn't quite figure out what he was thinking. "Phewww. That guy's got some balls on him, huh? What did he have to say?"

'Definitely not jealousy,' Olivia thought. 'Protective, maybe. Ironic how the only other person who had ever gotten protective of her was Elliot.'

"Not much. He wanted to know if I would meet him for breakfast."

"What did you tell him?"

"I'm meeting him on Friday." She could feel Danny nodding his head. "What are you going to say to him?"

"I haven't decided yet. I'm still pretty angry with him and I want him to know how bad he hurt me, but he was my friend for a long time and I kind of would like to salvage that if possible."

"Do you think it is?" he asked softly. He remembered when he'd first met Olivia. He'd met her after she'd only been in San Francisco about 3 weeks. He was a writer who spent his morning in the front booth of the coffee shop on her street corner. After see her coming in every morning for coffee he'd finally gotten the nerve to talk to her. He'd asked her out a few weeks after that and he'd spent a long few weeks trying to break down her walls. She'd been so afraid to let her guard down for anyone. She'd told him what had happened after they'd had a few too many drinks one night. Then in the morning she'd tried to throw him out of her apartment, convinced that it'd be better to take that step before he could. Lucky for him, for both of them, he could be stubborn as well.

"I dunno. But I think I need to try." She felt him nod again.

"If he's a jerk to you, can I punch him?" Olivia sat up, almost choking on her wine.

"What?" she squawked, still coughing.

"I mean, he was a pretty big asshole and I know there were extenuating circumstances and all, but you are my girl and he hurt you. I'm willing to let it go if you are, but if he's a jerk again, I would like to hit him. That okay with you?"

"Sure," she finally said with a smile. "If he is a jerk, you can punch him." And she settled back into his chest.

They spent all of Wednesday scouring the west side for the perfect apartment. It was Olivia's version of hell. They finally found a terrific three bedroom in the 60s, no doorman, but a part-time security guard, with an elevator and tons of windows. There was even a small nook area for a workplace for Danny. Grimacing as they wrote the checks for the security deposit, first months rent and for the broker, Danny and Olivia grinned at each other as they looked around their new apartment as Aidan ran in circles in the empty living room.

Later that night they'd managed to get some semblance of a meal together before it got too late. Trying to navigate the crowded room with dishes in her hands, a half-full glass of water dropped from Olivia's hand and shattered on the floor. Aidan looked up from the scribbles he was making with his new crayons and said "Oh Shit!"

Olivia's reaction was to almost drop the rest of the dishes. She made eye contact with Danny, trying not to laugh. He came and met her in the "kitchen" of their rental. "I wonder which of us he heard THAT from?" he whispered as he knelt next to her as they swept up the broken glass.

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "I dunno, could be either of us, I've heard you try and drive in this city. "

They both turned to look at their son, scribbling furiously, the incident already forgotten, then turned back to grin at each other.

Olivia had to work on Thursday; she'd worked out a forgiving work schedule. She'd work three days a week and every other weekend, leaving the other days to spend with her family. Danny had the kids when she was at work and wrote when she was home. His parents, the reason they moved back to New York in the first place, agreed to be on call for emergencies. They agreed he would leave Friday to go back to San Francisco to arrange the shipment of all of their things and try to sell their condo. She'd stay here with the kids, avoiding another cross-country flight with two children in diapers. Neither of them wanted to relive THAT experience. He'd managed to get a reasonable flight leaving Friday afternoon. Olivia was a little relieved that he would still be in New York for her breakfast with Elliot, just in case. Just in case what, she didn't know.

Thursday morning she'd been called out to the scene of a rape/homicide out in the outskirts of Tribeca. She was on her own for the morning, the others being occupied in court or with witnesses. She'd gotten to the scene after the CSU and as she investigated she'd realized that the whole place had been contaminated, the EMTs had stomped through blood, CSU hadn't collected the evidence properly and had even moved the body before the M.E. had gotten there. She'd laid into the uniforms, the EMTs, the CSUs, pretty much anyone on scene, explaining to them with some R rated language what she thought of their skills, their attitudes, their persons in general. She didn't need these kinds of ticky-tacky mistakes complicating her job.

Elliot and Regan pulled up and casually parked their sedan at an angle towards the curb. They'd been delayed by a construction site making a disaster of 14th St. As they climbed the stairs to the second floor scene, they could hear someone yelling at the techs. A timid looking CSU tech and a chagrined EMT slunk out of the apartment.

"I wouldn't go in there quite yet, Detectives. Someone's beaten you to the scene and She Is PISSED. " The EMT drew out the last few words for emphasis. "I didn't even know women knew language like that." He said, shaking his head.

Elliot's ears focused on the noise he still heard coming from the bedroom. He knew that voice, he knew the person behind those swear words. He gave his partner a little smile as he stepped into the bedroom. He saw Olivia Benson squatting, bent over the victim, her same brown leather coat. Her hair was shorter than the last time he had seen her. This wasn't how he wanted their meeting to go, but at least he'd talked to her before. He leaned against the door of the apartment as he said "I hope you don't kiss your children with that mouth, Detective Benson."

Every single person in the room froze, including his partner. Regan's mouth fell open as he stared at the younger detective, who had a little smirk on his face. The CSU techs still puttering around the scene looked with deer-in-the-headlight eyes at Elliot and then at Olivia, still crouched over the body. The new techs knew enough to be nervous after getting their hides tanned, the few techs who knew Stabler and Benson from years before were stunned and nervously anticipated her response.

Olivia froze when she heard that voice. She knew that voice before she'd heard the first 4 words. She could hear the familiar intonation in the Queen's accent, heard the smile in his voice. Could hear HIM.

Without moving, without breathing, she replied "Someone tell Detective Stabler to get that cocky grin off his face."

Hearing her response, Elliot's face truly did break into a grin. The CSUs shifted uneasily, still eyeing the Detective who had been yelling at them. She stood and pulled off her latex gloves. Giving some orders to the CSU in charge she turned finally to the other two Detectives. Elliot was still leaning against the door and his partner stood still in the doorway, creases on his face hiding whether he was amused or nervous at the upcoming interaction.

She tossed her gloves aside as she walked towards the door. She looked at Regan and nodded and then looked at Elliot.

"I do in fact kiss my children with that mouth. And, I will have you know, my son used the word 'shit' last night, in the proper context AND with proper conjugation. I've never been so proud in my life. See you tomorrow, Detective?" Elliot nodded at her and she left the apartment and chuckled to herself as she jogged down the stairs.

Elliot was chuckling to himself as well. 'God,' he had missed that woman,' he thought to himself. He was thrilled to know she hadn't changed significantly in the years they had been apart, and he was thrilled that she was speaking to him. His partner turned to him and looked him in the eyes over his glasses. Elliot looked back at him.

"She always was a sarcastic smart ass. It is one of the things I liked best about her," Elliot said to his partner, entering into the apartment to check out things for himself.


	4. Chapter 4

Healing Old Wounds Chapter 4

Olivia ran her hands through her hair for the 100th time, nervously trying to get it to go where she wanted it too. She glanced at her watch again. She needed to leave in exactly 4 minutes. She scooped the baby up from where she had been playing in the crib and walked out to the living room. She handed the baby to Danny and immediately ran her hands through her hair again. He reached out to catch one of her hands in his spare hand.

"Hey, relax. Don't be nervous," he said, trying to reassure her.

"Easy for you to say, you don't have to decide whether to be friendly or angry over eggs," she retorted, trying not to be comforted.

He shrugged. "Why worry about choosing, just do both."

She opened her mouth to argue, but then didn't have anything smart to say back so she closed her mouth again. She knelt to say goodbye to her son and then her husband. "Be good, you two" she admonished on her way out the door.

She'd decided to walk the few blocks to the diner, using time to rethink for the 500th time was she was going to say. She glanced at her watch as she approached the familiar storefront. She was purposely 5 minutes late. She didn't want to have to wait for him; it would make her even more nervous.

Inside, Elliot sat staring at a mug of coffee. He'd done the opposite of his old partner, getting there extra early because he didn't want to be even more nervous because he was running late.

Entering the restaurant, she noticed Elliot immediately, sitting in a booth toward the back on the right hand side. She purposefully didn't make eye contact as she made her way over. He looked up as she slid into the seat across from him.

She looked back at him and smiled, but didn't say anything.

He smiled back. Finally he spoke. "It's good to see you, Olivia." He considered this woman, a woman he had once considered a friend, whom he had once known so very well.

"It's good to see you too, Elliot," she said softly, as the waitress in a yellow uniform shirt poured her a cup of coffee, unasked for, but appreciated.

Neither of them said anything for a moment. Finally Olivia decided to fix that, she didn't have all day to sit and stare at him.

"How come you didn't call me back?" she asked. He paused with the coffee mug half way to his mouth. 'No batting around the bush for her,' he thought. He thought distractedly that her voice had a sharp edge to it. 'Anger,' he thought, 'she's angry.'

As he was still trying to decide what to say, she went on "Well, if you're not going to talk, I am. I've had 4 years to think of what to say, El, and I'm going to say it...How could you not call me? Four years, Elliot! We were partners for over 10 years, for better or worse, remember? What the hell happened to that? You just dropped me, quit on me, IGNORED me. You weren't the only one hurting. I left that day with Sister Peg's blood all over me. I scrubbed by hands raw trying to get the stains out, I thought they looked red for weeks. You ignored me. You ignored me when I needed you the most. And I know you were hurting, but I was too." She stopped for a breath.

Finally he spoke, "I know, Olivia. I am so, so sorry." He watched as she took a drink of her coffee, looking back at him with a blank look on her face, emotions hidden behind her eyes. "I was selfish, and self-absorbed. I felt so guilty. Every time I thought of you it was excruciating. I shot a child, Liv. A CHILD, a victim, because the thought of losing people that I loved, the thought of losing YOU..." he paused and took a breath. "The thought of losing you was worse than the thought of killing a child, and that I couldn't deal with. So I ran and I hid. And by the time I figured out that that wasn't going to work, you were gone."

"I wasn't gone, Elliot! I had the same phone number. I called you! All you had to do was answer the phone." She shot this back quickly, as if she'd been anticipating the conversation, which he realized, she probably had been, for four years.

"I was afraid, after so long, that you would hate me." He said this simply, without accusation, as if he had accepted this as fact long before.

She considered this. "No, Elliot, I could never hate you. Be angry, furious with you, yes. Swear at you daily, yes. But not hate you. Because I knew what you were feeling. I didn't shoot that girl, but that's only because of coincidence. If our positions had been reversed, I would have. So would have Fin, or Munch, or anyone of us in that situation. I'm furious with you for how you handled it, but I don't hate you."

"How were you, after?" he asked. He didn't really want to know, but he needed to.

She sighed. She hated thinking about those few months. "Not very good. I drank too much and ate and slept too little. I finally saw a shrink. I was pretty depressed, melancholic almost, and my friend, the one who could help me, the one who knew what I was feeling, wouldn't call me back," she said accusingly. She paused and raised the mug to her lips, shooting sparks from her eyes.

"I got through it eventually. I moved on, and found a new life and things are better than they were before, so it's hard to be so angry with you now, El. But god! Those months were hard."

"I did wrong by you, Liv. I know that. I was really self-absorbed. I could barely function for months; Kathy almost kicked me out. I couldn't think of anything but myself. By the time I managed to get my head out of my ass, it'd been so long I was afraid to call you, and then I heard that you moved, left for who knew where. I didn't have the guts to call you, I guess. I'm sorry. I failed to have your back when it mattered most and I am so sorry."

She pressed her lips together and considered him carefully. She didn't know what response she had wanted from her little tirade but she guessed that the one she'd gotten was okay.

"So how's Homicide?" she asked, changing the subject somewhat abruptly. She'd said her piece, heard his and had accepted it. She'd rather move on and see if they had a friendship to salvage or not.

"It's good, different, but good."

"The guy yesterday, he's your partner?" she asked curiously.

"Regan? Yeah, he's a good egg. Been around the block more than a few times. Can't really shock the guy, ever. Though I think you did a pretty good job yesterday. I think that was the highlight of my month..." He smiled thinking of Regan's face watching her leave the apartment yesterday.

The waitress approached to take their order. She'd been keeping her distance, a wary New Yorker eye on the couple that looked like they were about to either cry or start a fist fight, neither of which she had wanted to get in the middle of.

He smiled when she ordered the exact same breakfast he'd seen her order a million times before. He raised an eyebrow at her. "Things haven't changed so much, have they?"

She raised an eyebrow at him. "How're the kids?" A safe, easy topic. Get him to relax a little. Over their eggs, which arrived promptly, she heard all about the exploits of his children,

"So," he said, realized that he had done almost all the talking and he still knew hardly anything about what she'd been doing, "how are your kids?"

As he spoke, her phone buzzed on the table. She glanced at it and hit a few buttons, chuckling to herself.

"Speak of the devil..."

It was a message from Danny. **I hope your breakfast was worth it. There is a good chance one of us won't survive until you get home.**

It was attached to a photo of Aidan, in a diaper only, covered in some sort of white substance, practically head to toe.

Elliot was looking at her curiously. He'd never seen this side of her, it was a new Olivia that had come back from California. She was at the same time both more relaxed and more fierce. She handed him the phone with the photo on it.

Eyebrows raised, he handed it back to her. "What is that?"

"I'm not sure, I think it might be toothpaste. Whatever it is better be washed off by the time I get home..."

"Your good at it." He smiled as he said it.

She frowned a little at his comment. "Good at what?" she asked, perplexed.

"Being a mother. I knew you would be. You have other pictures?"

She smirked at him, her expression saying 'You have pretty much lost the right to have an opinion like that, but I will accept it because it is a compliment." She handed him the phone. He flipped through the photos, stopping at one taken last Christmas.

"I've seen that photo before. In Cragen's office. I didn't know...I didn't even know they were your kids." He seemed genuinely sad at the thought.

She didn't say anything in response. He flipped through the rest of them, stopping on one of the baby taken a few days prior. "She looks like you," he said.

She gave him a little smile, acknowledging that she knew.

He sighed deeply as he handed her back the phone. "I'm sorry, Liv. I missed so much, so many important things. I used to know when you changed laundry detergents and now I didn't even know you had babies, got married. My god, Liv!" as if the thought just struck him, "What if I don't like him? I never got a chance to..."

"To what, Stabler? Dislike him before I went on a second date with him? Sorry, my friend, that ship has sailed. I'm keeping this one."

He tilted his head in acknowledgement. He had lost the right to judge her boyfriends. She went on, "He wants to punch you, you know."

"Who? Why?"

"My husband. Danny. He thinks you were an ass and he feels the need to defend my honor." She chuckled at the thought.

"Why is that so funny to you?" Elliot asked.

She looked up at his startled by his questions. "Because," she tried to think of how to explain the ridiculousness of that situation. "Because: One, I don't need anyone to defend me and, Two, he's a writer, not a cop and you would kick his ass. It would be ugly. So, if he tries, please be nice."

"He really wants to punch me?" Elliot asked again.

"He agreed to wait to see if you were a jerk today." She said as an explanation.

He took another sip of coffee and then set down his mug as the waitress refilled their mugs with steaming black coffee. "I didn't know you were writing letters with Kathleen."

"You weren't supposed to. I mean, it wasn't supposed to be a secret, but I think she just wanted to talk with someone who was an adult who wasn't her parent," she replied with a shrug.

"And the birthday cards," he said, thanks left unsaid.

She shrugged again, but didn't say anything.

"You were always so thoughtful," he said simply.

She kind of felt that he was making her feel guilty for staying in touch with his children. She didn't like that. "It wasn't their fault their father was a jerk, to just stop sending them cards after years just seemed mean."

There it was again, that sharp edge to her voice.

He changed the subject, "So what's it like being back at work?"

"Strange. The same, but totally different. They have me working with this young detective, came from Narcotics I think. He's a good cop, sharp, but still a little green." They chatted a little bit more about the details of their respective jobs. They were on their 4th refill of coffee when the topic moved back to Olivia's children. They were talking about raising kids in the city verses the suburbs. Olivia was adamant about staying in Manhattan.

"So are you going to let me meet them?" Elliot asked. "Did I pass or am I still a jerk?"

"Oh, you're still a jerk, but yeah, we'll figure something out. Not today though, I think Danny would have a coronary if I brought you home today."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because he won't know whether to welcome you or hit you and there's a very good chance my children are still covered in some unknown substance. I prefer them to be clean when they meet new people," she replied in a snarky voice. "Sometime soon though."

He saw something change in her posture, surprised and gladdened that he recognized things in this woman that had changed so much. Some things were still the same. He saw her head drop a little, her shoulders shrug.

"You know, the last time I called you..." she stopped, unable or unwilling to go on.

"What, Liv?" he encouraged. He figured it'd be heavy, but he'd rather get it all out and over with now.

She took a cup of coffee as if it was liquid courage. "The last time I called you it was right after Aidan was born. I was at home alone with him, Danny had run out to get something else we needed that no one had told us about. We were new parents and didn't know anything. And I was looking at my baby, he was all red and wrinkly and he was crying and I couldn't get him to eat. I felt so incredibly inadequate and all I could think about..."

She stopped again, her breath catching, she was talking, looking down at her plate.

Elliot was staring at her, hanging on her every word, coffee forgotten. He'd rarely seen so much emotion from her. She went on...

"All I could think about what that you were right. And it made me angry because you weren't around. You used to tell me that once you had kids, everything changed. That I shouldn't be afraid of what kind of genes I would be passing on to my kids because when I saw them, I would love them so much it wouldn't matter. And I knew that day, no matter how much he screamed and how bad I felt, that I loved him more than anything else in my life. And...and I called you then, to tell you I understood. I picked up the phone and dialed before I even realized what I was doing and in my head I was thinking 'this time he will pick up. This time he will answer because I need to tell him something important; I need to tell him that he was right.' And then when you didn't, I left that message thinking maybe you would call back. And when you didn't call back, I think then was when I really gave up. I let you go and figured you were lost to me." Her phone buzzed again and she ignored it, but stared at the screen saver - a photo of the baby girl in pink with her mouth wide open.

She started to dig through her bag, came up with some bills. She tossed them on the table, saying "I need to go." She gathered her things and stood up.

"Wait, Olivia." He was almost begging. He didn't know what had just happened, it was like flipping a switch. She heard his plea and paused in her frantic movements to gather her things.

She looked at him the man in front of her. She was still angry, still hurt. She thought she had gotten over it, but she hadn't, not yet. He had left her after a horrible event, a break-up as bad as any divorce, and she wasn't quite ready to let herself be over it. The need to be with her family now was overpowering. She couldn't just sit her drinking coffee when she could be with them. "Just wait," he repeated. He had his hand on her arm and it was making her uncomfortable. She looked at his face; he looked devastated.

"Next week," she said quietly. "Same time. Can you come?" As angry as she was, she had been wrong; she wasn't ready to let him go yet.

"Yeah, of course. I'll be here." He stood staring at the door as she practically flew out onto the street. He tossed a couple more bills onto the table and followed her out. He saw her up the block, walking briskly uptown. He followed her about 5 blocks before letting her go.


	5. Chapter 5

Healing Old Wounds: Chapter 5

Olivia was heading uptown to her apartment at record speed. She finally slowed down and took a breath somewhere around 66th St. She shook her head at herself. She'd bolted out of there as if the place was on fire. She never was good at the emotional stuff, it was why she and Danny worked so well. Nothing with him was so fraught with complicated emotions. Then again, their relationship was way less complicated than her and Elliot's relationship. Being forced to shoot someone, or not, while a gun was being held to your partner's head complicated things. Being co-dependent complicated things. Unresolved sexual tension complicated things. Being too much to each other complicated things.

But now, she thought, now things were different. Most of those issues WEREN'T issues any more. She sighed and rubbed her hand through her hair, now windblown and sticking up in the humidity. She shouldn't have run like that. She thought about the apology Elliot had given her. She needed to let it go. He knew he had wronged her, and had paid for it by missing out on important things in her life. She should apologize. She looked back downtown towards the diner. She doubted he was still there. Well, they had the rest of their lives to sort this out. They'd get through it.

She entered the apartment and was immediately concerned with how quiet it was. The kids must be sleeping; a lucky rare moment when they were both sleeping. She found Danny in the kitchen, finishing up what looked like breakfast dishes.

"Hey!" he greeted her, surrounding her in a hug. He could see the contemplation on her face. Obviously this breakfast had not gone smoothly. "So how was it?"

She hugged him back and declined his offer for coffee. She leaned up against the counter and watched him wash dishes as she told him about the breakfast.

"I don't know what to think. I said my piece; I didn't hold anything back. I guess I should have thought about what I wanted him to say back instead. "

"What did he say?" Danny asked. He wasn't sure what he thought about this. He didn't like this guy at all, after what he had put Liv through. He wasn't exactly jealous, but he felt that this guy had filled a role for the woman who was now his wife, a role that he now filled. It wasn't jealousy, but maybe a sense of competitiveness.

"He basically said he was sorry, and he knew he was wrong, that what he did really hurt me and made things harder for me, and harder for him. I guess it was as good a response as I could've expected." She shrugged.

"So you guys made up?" he asked.

She wrinkled her brow. "I don't know. Maybe, I thought we did, but then I got really sad and said I had to leave." She told him of her abrupt departure. "He looked really upset."

Danny could see her working though things in her mind. Her dark eyes showed everything; he always loved that he felt they were a window inside this woman who tried so hard not to show emotion.

"So now what?" he asked gently. "What are you going to do?"

"Tentative plans to meet again next Friday. I think maybe I should apologize before that though, I kind of hit him with my emotional dump truck and then ran away."

Danny nodded at her and squeezed her shoulder as the baby started to cry. Olivia went to get the baby while Danny finished packing. He was leaving that afternoon. His mother was going to come each morning to take Aidan to the park and watch the kids while she was at work. As she closed the door behind her husband as he left for the airport, she gave silent thanks for his parents' willingness to help them.

The next morning she was trying to convince Aiden not to take off his shoes when the buzzer rang. She buzzed up the visitors without asking who it was, knowing it was her mother-in-law. She was surprised when she saw Joe, Danny's father at the door, obviously dressed for a day out with his grandson.

Good morning, Livvy!" he gave her a quick squeeze as he practically bounded into the apartment, making a beeline for the small boy who had indeed taken off his shoes. Olivia was always slightly awkward around him. She had no experience with older men, no past relationships to rely on. She'd never had a father or grandfather or old uncle around, so she never quite knew what to say with him, to treat him as an equal or an elder, as someone to depend on or someone she was supposed to take care of.

"Hi, Joe! Where's Marcy?"

"Meh, she's staying at home, book club or hair club or something. Gives me time to hand out with my grandson all alone. I have the list of all the exhibits at the museum and the children's shows at the park. We're all set!"

His enthusiasm was palpable and Olivia couldn't help but smile. The man surely knew what he was in for, he'd raised 4 kids of his own. She gave him the backpack she'd stuffed with food and drinks and things to keep him occupied when he was having a meltdown and sent them on their way.

With them gone, she looked at the baby, gnawing on a plastic giraffe one of her friends had giving Aiden years before. "Well, it's just you and me, kid," she said to the baby. "Shall we get going?"

She looked up the furniture shop she had to get to on the internet, still shaking her head that she'd allowed herself to be talked into this. Yesterday before he left, Danny had showed her an ad for a bedroom set, a dresser and small bed, perfect for a small boy.

"Come on," he'd said, "It's perfect, just what you wanted. Real wood, simply designed. It's at the shop, they're holding it for us!"

She's squinted at him through one eye. "What's the catch?"

"Nah, no catch," he'd said. "You just have to pick it up. They promised it would fit in the back of the wagon, they'll load it up and I talked to the Super here and he said he and the maintenance guy would unload it and bring it up for you. "

"Yeah," she'd replied. "There's a catch, I can tell. Why won't they deliver? This is Manhattan. Wait, WHERE exactly is this shop?"

Danny ducked his head, knowing he was caught. "Astoria?" he said in a high voice.

"Queens! You want me to drive to Queen's?" She knew it was too good to be true.

"It's not so far! It's still technically part of New York. And, come on hun, you know this price is a bargain. It's worth the drive while we still have the car." He was referring to the beat up station wagon they were still paying to park in the city. They'd probably sell it soon.

"Okay, but Aiden better love that bed SO much, making me leave Manhattan…" she'd grumbled. So, here she was on a Saturday morning, traveling to Queens with a baby to pick up furniture…

Danny had been right, the pieces fit fine in the back of the wagon and the people at the store were more than helpful. As she looked at the Manhattan skyline from Queens, she made a split second decision. A minute later she was ambling along the road in the opposite direction, telling herself in her head that she was crazy.

She pulled up the wagon in front of the house in Queens that she hadn't seen in years. She pulled the baby out of the back seat, thankful that she seemed content for the time being and climbed the steps to the front door. Ringing the bell, she immediately regretted her decision, wondering if it was too late to change her mind. Before she could gather her wits to run away the door swung open to reveal a blond teenager she barely recognized.

"Hey, Lizzie! Is your dad here?" she asked.

The girl stood shocked for a minute then practically squealed "Olivia! Oh my god! I can't believe it's you! Is that Sophie? She's adorable. Can I hold her?" she immediately reached for the baby, who went willingly. She hadn't even taken a breath. "DAD!" she hollered. "VISITOR AT THE DOOR FOR YOU! KATHLEEN! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO'S HERE!" She turned to run inside with the baby, leaving an astonished Olivia standing at the door, unsure of whether to enter the house or stay on the porch, which seemed weird considering Lizzie had just run off with her infant. Thankfully, Elliot showed up before she had time to think things though. He'd seen Lizzie walk down the hallway towards Kathleen's room with a baby and he had no idea what was going on inside his own house. Unfortunately that was a common occurrence.

"Olivia!" he said when he saw her standing awkwardly in the front door. "What's going on?"

"Well, I think your daughter just kidnapped my baby…" She tried to look around Elliot down the hall.

He smiled as he followed her line of sight, and then saw Kathleen, now carrying the baby, and Lizzie coming towards them. First Lizzie and then Kathleen gave her hugs, which she willingly reciprocated. She couldn't believe how much they had grown.

"What're you doing here, Olivia?" Kathleen asked.

"Well, I had to come out to Queens to pick up some things," she glanced towards the old Volvo parked at the curb, "And I needed to talk to your father."

"Whoa, Olivia! What happened to the Mustang?" Kathleen asked, noticing the Volvo.

"Ugh," Olivia replied with a smile, "Don't remind me. It was San Francisco and I was 9 months pregnant. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Still breaks my heart…"

Elliot was playing with the baby, making her laugh with her mouth open, looking like a little bird. "Hey, girls," she said, "Can you watch Sophie for a second so I can talk with your dad?"

"Yeah, sure," Kathleen replied, turning around as Lizzie demanded to hold the baby again. The girls went inside, leaving Olivia and Elliot on the porch.

Elliot still hadn't said anything to her. She looked at him and sat down on the porch, a place where they'd had many discussions, and arguments, in the past. "Sorry for just dropping in on you, Elliot. I just wanted to… I want to apologize for yesterday, for running out like that. I…"

He nodded at her, understanding. "It's okay, Liv. I think I understand. It's a lot to take in all of a sudden."

"Yeah, but I shouldn't have run. It never helps. You think I would have learned that by now," she said self-disparagingly. "I'm getting better though," she looked at Elliot for his acknowledgment, half in jest.

"I'm sure you are." He gave her leg a squeeze. "Look, it's not going to be an easy thing, not after all the shit….not after 4 years. We'll get through it though, huh?"

"Yeah," she said, almost with surprise. "We will."

"Elliot!" Olivia heard Kathy's voice coming from inside, "Do you know your daughters are playing with someone baby inside…" Her head stuck out the front door as she saw them sitting on the steps. "Oh! Hi Olivia. I guess that explains the baby… Good to see you again." She nodded quickly and then went back inside, leaving the detectives to their conversation.

"Well," Olivia said awkwardly, "I need to get back, gotta get home before the super leaves," she gestured to the furniture stacked inside the car.

Elliot didn't saw anything, but stood and hollered at the girls, who brought back the baby, who went happily back into her mother's arm.

"Hey, Olivia, if you ever need a babysitter, just call me! I would totally love to sit for you guys," Lizzie said, playing with the baby again. "I love babies!"

"Ah, but do you love toddlers who get into everything, scream because today they don't like apples and smear toothpaste on your new shirt? Be careful what you ask for, you have NO IDEA how long it's been since we went on a date…" She grinned at the girls. "I'll call you."

The girls went back inside as Elliot said, "Hey, maybe you and…" he blanked on the name…" your husband should come for dinner som—"

She cut him off, "Don't push it, Stabler. Breakfast, next week. Let's stick with that for now."

"You got it." He tugged on the baby's foot again and watched them walk back to the car. He couldn't believe that his old partner was running around New York in a beat up green Volvo station wagon with a baby. 'Well,' he thought, 'that will teach her to get everything she wanted…' He watched her settled the baby back into the carseat as he went inside. She looked happy….


	6. Chapter 6

Healing Old Wounds – Chapter 6

Olivia turned the car back towards Manhattan, feeling a little better about the whole situation. Her phone rang just as she was getting on the highway. She groaned inwardly when she saw the caller ID. She answered cautiously.

"Cap…" she said in a warning voice.

"Hey, Benson, sorry to call you on your day off, but…"

"Come on, Don, you promised it would be less on-call time and…."

"I know, I know, but look, we have this witness here, the girl in the Schuler case, who walked in saying she wanted to help, but now she's too afraid to say anything. She asked for you, we all gave it a shot but couldn't get through to her. Just come in and talk to her, see if you can get her to talk. Just a few minutes…"

"Cap, I'm not even in the city now, I'm in Queens (well, technically she was on the bridge, but he didn't need to know that…).

"Well, stop by on your way in. Give it 20 minutes that all I ask."

"I have the baby with me, Don…" she said, knowing she was beaten in the debate. Danny would be pissed, she knew he hated the thought of her kids being inside the police station, heard too many stories. Well, he wasn't here to find out. "You don't have any baby snatchers or child molesters waiting in the box, do you?

"So, we'll have someone to entertain her. And no, we're not holding anyone right now."

"Fine, I'll be there in 20, but I'm only giving you twenty minutes and I'm done."

"Thanks, Benson." She sighed as she heard the click of him hanging up the old phone on his desk.

True to her word, twenty minutes later she was pulling into the precinct parking lot. She took a few minutes to feed the baby in the car, hopefully insuring a quiet visit and then plopping the baby onto her hip, she headed inside. Heading inside the squadroom, she walked right through the bull pen and into Cragen's office.

He greeted her and waved Nick Amaro over. "Hey, Nick, keep an eye on Olivia's kid while she talks to the Schuler girl." Olivia passed him the baby before he had a chance to protest.

"Whaa? How come I have to baby sit?" he protested weakly, knowing he was stuck but feeling he should at least seem bothered by the assignment.

"Because you're her partner," Cragen said.

At exactly the same time, Olivia responded "Because you're the new guy."

She went on, "Plus, you've got a daughter. Who know what Munch would do, he's probably stash her in a locker upstairs."

She headed over to the witness room where the teenage girl was waiting, while Nick stood awkwardly holding the baby while the rest of the room smirked at him. He sighed and headed back to his desk. He sat the baby on his lap and tried to finish some paperwork, trying to keep it free of baby drool. He gave up after 5 minutes when she started squawking and tried to entertain her with things he had lying around his desk. He finally got her to quiet down when he gave her his badge. She gummed it happily and he hoped it was fairly clean. He went to go refill his coffee mug, when Munch approached him.

He played with the baby for a minute, before noticing what she had in her hand. "Are you sure letting her play with your badge is a good idea, Nick…I mean…" Munch warned.

"Hey, man," he replied. "She's quiet, isn't she? YOU try to take that away from her and see what happens."

Munch smirked at the younger man and pried the shield out of the baby's hand. She immediately let out a yell. Munch himself saw the look on the baby's face and let out a guffaw. He gave the baby back the shield as Nick protested.

"Hey! What're you doing?" he said.

"Hold on, you gotta see this. Hey! Fin, Cap! Come over here and check this out!" He gestured to the others to come over.

"Hey check this out. You know the look Olivia gets on her face when she finds out someone drank the last of the coffee and didn't make more?" He grabbed the shield away from the baby again and she hollered and gave Munch a mean look.

"Is that not the exact same look or what?" The other burst out laughing as they gave the baby back Nick's badge to do it over again.

After another cry and another round of laughing, Fin let out "Well, I'll be damned if that's not the funniest thing I've seen in a while."

Olivia heard her baby yell and then heard the men laughing as she entered the bullpen. She shook her head as she walked over to them. "Stop torturing my baby, you guys! What ARE you doing?" Which set them all, even the Captain laughing again.

"Benson, this kid looks JUST like you. It's killing me," Munch said.

Olivia chuckled at him as she took the baby back. She bounced her a little as Much said, "Hey, now watch this and he grabbed the badge away from her again." As before, the baby howled and glared at Munch. "See! I've seen you make that face a hundred times." She rolled her eyes at him and reached for her phone as she felt it buzz in her pocket.

"Hi Joe. Yeah, we're good. Just had to make a few stops. We'll be home soon. Everything okay? Uh huh. Okay. Bye."

"Gotta run," she says as she hung up the phone. "You got your info from the girl. She wrote it all down. I left it on your desk, Cap." She herself grabbed Nick's badge from Sophie and tossed it back to Nick, who caught it. She jogged up the stairs and out of the precinct. "Let's not tell dad you hung out in the police station for 30 minutes today. Don't want him to get the wrong idea…" She whispered to the baby as they walked back to the car. As she buckled the baby into the seat, her phone buzzed with a message. She glanced at it. It was a photo from Munch of the baby making the face at him.

After arriving home, arranging with the Super to get the furniture inside, reparking the car, waking up Joe from his nap on the couch and trying desperately to NOT wake up Aiden, then seeing Joe into a taxi back to Brooklyn, she collapsed onto the sofa with a Diet Coke, wishing it was a beer.

She looked at her phone when it buzzed, trying not to move. It was a message from Danny, telling her the condo was listed, he'd arranged for the rest of the belongings to be shipped and he'd be on the first plane out in the morning. She smiled, thinking of him. She sent him the photo of the baby that Munch had sent her. "Old coworker thinks she looks like me when she makes that face. Miss us?"

"So much," was the reply she got. "That face reminds me of when I drink the last of the coffee."

She groaned to herself and flopped back on the sofa as she heard the baby start to cry from the other room.


	7. Chapter 7

Healing Old Wounds: Chapter 6

Olivia had never been so glad to see her husband return than after she'd been home alone with two children under the age of 28 months for the entire weekend. By the time Danny got back into Manhattan on Sunday evening she was exhausted. She didn't know how Danny managed it so often at home by himself all day. Clearly he was the more efficient parent of the two.

He had called her from the cab, letting her know he was almost home. She looked around the apartment. The bedroom set was put together and looked great in the small bedroom, her bed was unmade, there were dirty dishes in the sink, a load of laundry was clean, but still sitting unfolded in the basket. Aidan was making a gigantic mess with a bucket of blocks on the rug, the baby was in just a diaper, but was clean and lying on a blanket with a toy frame hanging over her. Olivia tilted her head. They were all alive, clean and fed. That was as good it was going to get. Thank god Danny was coming home to save them all from her housekeeping skills.

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Monday morning Olivia walked into the squadroom with a large coffee and peeled off her coat. She smiled and sat down into her desk chair and stretched her long legs out, reaching her arms above her head.

"Getting comfortable, Benson?" Munch asked.

"Don't get me wrong, John. I love my kids, but I have never been so happy to be at work in my life. I don't know how Danny does it every day."

He chuckled at her. "Nothing like a change of perspective to make you REALLY appreciate the DD5s, huh?"

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

By the time Friday rolled around, she was glad for a day off. It was her weekend to work, but there weren't any pressing cases, nothing hot. She met Elliot for breakfast, as planned. Things were still awkward, but they were making headway. She had let the invitation to dinner slip out, well intentioned, but not entirely thought out. He might have let her off the hook by realizing that, but he really wanted to meet her kids and ESPECIALLY this husband of hers. He could tell the minute she said the words that she regretted them, but he wasn't going to take the bait and back off. They'd muddle through it.

She knew he could still read her like a book, knew that she was uncomfortable and it irritated her that he didn't back off the invitation. He grinned at her, as if to say 'hey, you know what a bastard I am when it comes to getting what I want.'

Saturday, thankfully, was a forgiving, quiet day at work and Olivia was able to escape at a reasonable hour. It was about 95 degrees and 95% humidity outside and she was sweating through her shirt by the time she walked in the door.

Danny, as always, had things under control. He was busy in the kitchen and greeted her as she groaned with relief when she felt the air conditioning their small window unit gave, moving to stand right in front of it. "It feels good now," he said to her, "but wait until you get used to the temperature in here. That things is totally inadequate." She echoed his opinion and moved to take a shower, kissing the kids as she went.

An hour later, she was loitering in the kitchen, the kids fed and playing, watching Danny finish off the prep for dinner. He looked over at her, noticing the queer look on her face. "What?" he asked, setting down the knife he'd been chopping vegetables with.

"Nothing," she shook her head slightly. "Just appreciating how lucky I am that I found someone who will cook dinner on the hottest night of the year because I accidently invited someone over to dinner." She ran her hands through her hair nervously as she started pacing around their small kitchen.

"Hey," he said, grabbing her hand. "Stop pacing, there's not enough room in the kitchen and you're making me anxious. You don't have any reason to be nervous, Liv."

"I know, I'm not. I'm just…"

"Nervous about introducing your old partner to the guy who swept you off your feet, married you and then knocked you up. Twice." He looked at her with a wicked grin. "Come here, I'll take care of those nerves." He pulled her towards him and kissed her, a kiss that was not appropriate for the kitchen or just prior to company.

Olivia pulled away as she heard a knock at the door. Danny looked at her expectantly. "See! Not nervous anymore, are you?" She gave him a dirty look and went to answer the door.

She swung the door open to find a somewhat awkward looking Elliot standing there with a bottle of wine in his hands. "Hey" she greeted him. "Come in," she said, taking the wine from him. He took in her mussed hair, flushed cheeks and shirt that she was still adjusting in to place and raised one eyebrow. She raised one back and gestured for him to follow her into the kitchen.

She introduced him to Danny, Aidan and the baby, who he had seen before. He sat at on a bar stool and accepted a drink from Olivia as they waited for dinner. Things went calmly, dinner went off without a hitch. Danny's dinner plans always came through, yet another thing that she was recurrently thankful for. It was still blisteringly humid outside and the air-conditioner was going full steam when the kids started fussing.

Standing, Olivia said "Why don't you guys take some drinks outside, I'll put them to bed." Danny agreed quickly and went to say goodnight to his kids. Elliot stood with them and looked around for a balcony he hadn't seen before. Danny came back and grabbed two cold bottles of beer from the fridge. He waited until Olivia had closed the bedroom door behind her, then walked over to the window and flung it open, climbing out on the fire escape.

"You coming?" he asked Elliot.

"Uh, yeah…course," he stumbled in reply. He climbed awkwardly out onto the fire escape, which was blissfully breezy compared to the apartment.

"You realize this is totally illegal," he said to Danny.

"You gonna bust us, Detective? It's too hot to sit inside on a night like this. We can't come out here if the kids are awake, don't want them knowing windows are for going in and out of, but when we have the chance…" He shrugged and leaned back, taking a swig of his beer.

Elliot tilted his head and took a long drink of beer himself, it did feel nice outside in the breeze, watching the city lights around them.

Danny was going on "The neighbors don't mind as long as we don't smoke and don't make too much noise."

Elliot nodded silently, taking another drink. "You don't like me very much, do you?" he finally asked the other man.

Danny stopped with the beer halfway to his mouth. He paused for a moment, then said. "No, I don't. You haven't given me any reason to like you, but I'm trying."

"Hey, I—" Elliot went to reply, hoping to clear the air with the man he found to be pleasant, calm and entirely too bland for the hot-tempered, stubborn Detective he had known.

"No, you listen a minute. Here's the thing. I don't like you. I don't like you one bit, but I am trying because I have one really, REALLY good reason to like you sitting in the other room right now. The thing that really gets me though, is that you HAD HER. You got to have that wonderful person for 13 years before I did. You shared half her brain, you knew her quirks, her faults, her heart and you TRASHED it. You kicked her to the curb. And she didn't deserve that, you know it. It kills me that you could claim to have cared for her so much, claimed to have watched out for her and defended her and then you left. You were her person, and then you left, and she had to figure things out all on her own. So NO, I don't like you, Stabler. But Olivia does, and if she wants me to like you for some god-awful reason, I am going to bust my ass until I do, got it?" Danny finished his tirade and took another swig of beer.

Elliot sat a little stunned. He took back whatever thoughts he'd had previously about Danny being too bland. He would rather have taken a punch than gotten a tongue lashing like that. The man did have a way with words.

"Got it," he said firmly. "I know I messed up, I know it was bad, and I'm trying to make it right, because no matter how bad things were, leaving them that way is not an option."

"Now THAT," Danny replied, "Is the first reasonable thing I've heard you say."

Olivia stuck her head out the window, "Everything okay?" They said yes as she went to the fridge and grabbed another three beers. Handing them out the window, she climbed out after them, Danny shifted over so she could have a seat.

"So what did I miss? What are you talking about?" she asked.

Danny replied before Elliot could. "The Mets and at what point in the season they are going to blow it this year."

She grimaced in response, showing what she thought of their baseball talk. She lifted her hair off the back of her neck and put the cold beer against it.

"Stabler here was threatening to turn us in for improper use of a fire escape until he realized how much better it is out here than it is inside." Danny said jokingly.

"Hey, I was the one who said you should move to Queens where you can afford real air conditioning…" Elliot replied.

Olivia wondered what they had been discussed before she gotten out there with them. Whatever it was, she knew it wasn't the Mets. "No Queens. I'm a Manhattan girl, although the San Francisco fog sounds really, really good right about now."

"Never gets this hot in San Francisco, huh?" Elliot replied, a little chagrined that they'd been reduced to talking about the weather.

"No," the others replied in unison. "Except that one time…" Danny went on, giving Olivia a look. Elliot looked over at her and was shocked to see her _blushing_.

"What?" Elliot pressed. He knew of very few things that could actually make Olivia Benson blush.

"There was huh, this one night in San Francisco…It only happens once or twice a year and the city reacts all crazy because it's never hot. We went up on the roof of our condo…" She trailed off. She decided in a split second to go for it, it would serve Elliot right. "I think Aidan was probably conceived on that rooftop," she said.

She was rewarded with Elliot choking on his beer, requiring several hefty pats on the back from Aidan.

"Ah, come on, Liv…" he protested.

"Hey," she said. "You asked."


End file.
